Oct 27

There’s a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.

In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

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Rating: 6.0/10 (13 votes cast)
Jul 18

Whether you are for or against………………

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new health care package. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter”. The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

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Rating: 8.3/10 (9 votes cast)
Jul 05

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

“Hit him again,” the child said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!!”

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Rating: 5.6/10 (9 votes cast)
Jun 30

How can you tell the psychiatrist from the patients on the ward?

The psychiatrist has keys to the door.

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Rating: 5.1/10 (9 votes cast)
Jun 16
Admitting letter from local MD ends with “Sorry.” 10 points
Local MD.’s letter begins with “Than you for admitting…” 10 points
Has untreated fractured N.O.F. for over 3 weeks prior to presentation 7 points
Fractures hip

  • while in hospital
  • while restrained
  • while in traction for fracture to other hip
3 points
6 points
9 points
Spikes temperature night prior to discharge 4 points
Decides “doesn’t like” nursing home that Social Worker has taken 6 weeks to locate 5 points
Hemoccult positive stool night prior to discharge 5 points
Sent back from X-Ray Department without having requested Barium Enema performed 8 points
Removes own

  • IV line
  • NG tube
  • sump drain
  • peritoneal catheter
  • chest tube
  • ventriculo-peritoneal shunt
2 points
3 points
5 points
8 points
10 points
15 points
Removes own foley with 30mL balloon full

  • while restrained
5 points
10 points
Any one of the following

  • age < urea
  • hemoglobin < shoe size
  • years in N.H. > years not in N.H.
  • number of hospital presentations > age
5 points
5 points
5 points
5 points
Toenails cannot be cut with nail clippers 3 points
Urinates on

  • roommate
  • visitor
  • resident physician
  • consultant
  • medical student
2 points
4 points
5 points
7 points
1 point
Fluid balance chart OUTPUT column reads “voided in bed”

  • on more than 4 occasions
  • while catheterised
4 points
8 points
Stool specimen (unrequested) found 10 feet from bed 5 points
Aspirates dentures

  • requires tracheostomy for same
6 points
12 points
Femoral punture required for daily bloods 3 points
Problem list 1 page long 5 points
Falls out of bed despite bed rails and 4 point restraint 4 points
Old notes

  • 2 volumes
  • 2 Kg
  • 2 feet high
3 points
3 points
3 points
Admitted by same Intern to more than 3 different teams 6 points
Overlooked on attending rounds on three consecutive days 4 points
Requests cigarette during spirometry 5 points
Fecal impaction

  • despite ileostomy
  • if ileostomy originally for fecal impaction
  • under fingernails
6 points
12 points
20 points
Answers “yes” to all questions 4 points
Answers “yes” to all questions asked to other patients in the room 8 points
Found drinking from urine bottle (own) Found drinking from urine bottle (neighbor’s)

  • while on strict fluid balance chart
  • while NPO
3 points
6 points
9 points
12 points
Psychiatry consult suggests transfer but declines same 3 points
Admission begins “Found unresponsive…” 5 points
Patient breaks thermometer while in:

  • oral
  • rectal
3 points
6 points
Room disinfectant concentration causes conjunctivitis 2 points
Refused by VA Hospital despite service in two World Wars 8 points
Clings to resident physician.’s arm though grasp reflex is negative 5 points
Easier to understand without dentures 3 points
Welcomes Medical Students 7 points
Daughter rings Social Worker more than 3 times per day 6 points
Appreciates hospital food 10 points
Requests bedpan immediately on arrival in hospital 3 points
Sits in waiting room following discharge 5 points
Knows catering staff by name 5 points
File includes more than 3 Incident Report forms 5 points
Squamous metaplasia of tongue due to prolonged exposure to air (Q sign) 8 points
Successfully resuscitated by Paramedics 20 points
Relatives

  • request admission
  • demand admission
  • arrive with patient’s suitcase in hospital
3 points
6 points
9 points
M.R.S.A. discovered after admission

  • to ward
  • to theatre
  • to I.C.U.
2 points
3 points
4 points
Anointed by priest prior to presentation 6 points
Presenting complaint reads only “Social Admission” and/or management plan reads only “For Placement” 5 points
Bounces after turf to Neurosurgery 20 points

Notes: All points doubled 0000-0700; 25% loading for non-English speaking patients; 37.5% loading for recognised dysphasias
 


 

Score:

 

0-20 : Hardly a Gomer at all. Almost Human.
20-40 : Borderline Gomertose. Reassess frequently.
40-60 : A true Gomer. Avoid all contact. Placement a priority.
Over 60 : Apply for Special Leave immediately, or consider Psychiatry Training.
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Rating: 7.8/10 (4 votes cast)
Jun 09

Artery…………………………..The study of paintings.
Bacteria…………………………Back door to a cafeteria.
Barium………………………….What doctors do when patients die.
Benign………………………….What you be after you be eight
Cesarean Section…………….A neighborhood in Rome.
CTscan………………………….Searching for kitty.
Cauterize……………………….Made eye contact with her.
Colic…………………………….A sheep dog.
Coma……………………………A punctuation mark.
D & C……………………………Where Washington is.
Dilate……………………………To live long.
Enema…………………………..Not a friend.
Fester……………………………Quicker than someone else.
Fibula……………………………A small lie.
Genital…………………………..Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series……………………….World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail…………………………What you hang your coat on.
Impotent…………………………Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain……………………….Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff……………………A doctor’s cane.
Morbid……………………………A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates………………………….Cheaper than day rates.
Node……………………………..I knew it.
Outpatient……………………….A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear………………………A fatherhood test.
Pelvis……………………………Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative…………………..A letter carrier.
Recovery Room…………………Place to do upholstery.
Rectum……………………………Darn near killed him.
Secretion…………………………Hiding something.
Seizure…………………………..Roman emperor.
Tablet……………………………A small table.
Terminal Illness…………………Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor…………………………….More than one.
Urine…………………………….Opposite of you’re out.
Varicose………………………….Near by / close by.

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Rating: 8.4/10 (84 votes cast)
Feb 12

The young man was quite adamant. He insisted to the surgeon that he wanted to be castrated. The surgeon pointed out that this was a drastic step for a young man to take and strongly urged him to reconsider his request.

“No,” said the young man, “I have thought long and hard about it, I have read all there is about it and my mind is made up. I must have the operation.”

The operation was duly carried out and when he had recovered from the anaesthetic and was back in the ward he got to talking to the other patients.

“And what are you in here for?” he asked th fellow in the next bed.

“To be circumcised.”

“DAMN, THAT was the word I meant !”

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Rating: 8.3/10 (62 votes cast)
Feb 12

What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?

A hematologist pricks your finger.

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Rating: 6.3/10 (50 votes cast)
Feb 12

Medical Charts
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The following are actual, unedited, notes written by doctors on
patients’ medical charts:

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year.

2. On the second day the knee was better,
and on the third day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states
she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1993.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. Healthy appearing, decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with only a forty pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady
pregnant.

14. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you
might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life
until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a
job as a stockbroker instead.

27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

32.  By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

33.  Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

34. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

35.  The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

36.   The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

37.  She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

38.  The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

39.  The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

40.  Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

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Rating: 9.1/10 (84 votes cast)
Feb 12

A COLLECTIVE FROM MEDICAL INTERVIEW RECORDS WRITTEN BY VARIOUS PARAMEDICS, EMERGENCY ROOM RECEPTIONISTS, AND (WE ARE AFRAID) A DOCTOR OR TWO AT MAJOR HOSPITALS.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

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Rating: 7.1/10 (16 votes cast)
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