“No,” said the young man, “I have thought long and hard about it, I have read all there is about it and my mind is made up. I must have the operation.”

The operation was duly carried out and when he had recovered from the anaesthetic and was back in the ward he got to talking to the other patients.

“And what are you in here for?” he asked th fellow in the next bed.

“To be circumcised.”

“DAMN, THAT was the word I meant !”

A hematologist pricks your finger.

The following are actual, unedited, notes written by doctors on
patients’ medical charts:

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a
year.

2. On the second day the knee was better,
and on the third day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states
she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1993.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. Healthy appearing, decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with only a forty pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady
pregnant.

14. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you
might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life
until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a
job as a stockbroker instead.

27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should
sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

32.  By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

33.  Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

34. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

35.  The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

36.   The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

37.  She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

38.  The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

39.  The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

40.  Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

“I can’t hang around here in a line like this,” explained the surgeon. “Don’t you know who I am?”

“No, who are you?” asked St. Peter.

“I’m Dr. Simon Rothschild III, President of the American College of Surgeons, Surgeon on-call for the United States President, Chairman of …”

“O.K., O.K., O.K.,” said St. Peter, “I get the idea. However, it makes no difference here. Everyone is equal and you must go to the back of the line.”

At that moment a harassed little man in a crumpled suit rushed up in an obvious hurry. He carried a little doctor’s bag, a stethoscope was hanging round his neck and an VA prescription pad was poking out of his pocket. He quietly said something in St. Peter’s ear, and without further ado St. P. opened the Pearly Gates and the crumpled little man went through.

This was too much for our eminent surgeon.

“And what was all that about everyone being equal ! ! You send an eminent doctor like me to the back of the line, but you let an insignificant common-place G.P. like that through without so much as a hesitation.”

“Sorry,” said St. P., “but that wasn’t a G.P., that was God. Sometimes he likes to play at being a doctor”

Not surprisingly, he was not happy with this and when he had been discharged from hospital he went to see his lawyer.

“No problem, we’ll sue them for everything they’ve got,” he was told, “You have a cast-iron case.” As this was going to be such a big case, they decided to seek the help of a famous New York expert lawyer who specialised in medico-legal problems, and the patient was to return to his lawyer when the expert’s advice had been received.

Several weeks later he was called back to his lawyer who met him with a rather gloomy face.

“I’m sorry,” he was told, “but the expert advises you not to proceed with the case as you have very little chance of winning it.”

“WHAT !” exploded the patient. “It’s an open and shut case. They cut off the wrong leg.”

“Ah, but don’t you see. You can’t win the case as you haven’t got a leg to stand on.”

The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.

“What condition does he have?” the student asks.

“He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder,” the doctor replies. “If he doesn’t obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he’ll pass into a coma.”

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

“What about him?” the student asks. “What’s his story?”

“Oh, it’s the same condition,” the doctor replies. “He just has a better health plan.”

MIRRORCILLIN
A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours
without pausing once.

STOPPANAGGIN
Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse or
boyfriend.

COSMOPOLIRA
Raises female intelligence to levels allowing ‘facts’ in trash
lifestyle magazines to be disputed.

LOGICON
Trials have showed that females taking this were able to follow a
proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively
without being diverted into non relevant postulates such as ‘you don’t
love me anymore’.

PARKATRON
72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford
Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15
minutes.

MAGNATACK
Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger
than in reality – no practical use for this drug has yet been found.

WARDROBIA
Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can
safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% actually stayed
within their credit limit.

BEERINTULIN
Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend alcoholic
beverages and snacks during televised sports.

“Aaaahhh. There’s your problem. It shrinks things,
those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness.
That makes things grow.”

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor
with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor
by the hand and thanks him.

“I take it you now drink Guinness?” asked the doc.
“No”, replies the man “but I’ve got the wife on Lager!”

Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem
with sex. “I think my privates are too small.” He says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. “Well,
Lager,” he replies, quite bemused.

“Aaaahhh. There’s your problem. It shrinks things,
those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness.
That makes things grow.”

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor
with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor
by the hand and thanks him.

“I take it you now drink Guinness?” asked the doc.
“No”, replies the man “but I’ve got the wife on Lager!”