As she lay there dozing next to him, a voice inside his head kept saying, “Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients.”
But another voice kept reminding him, “Howard, you are a veterinarian.”
Jan 31
Saw a patient from “another town” that had a car wreck and was brought to our ED with a tib/fib fracture. She had been labeled as having “multiple allergy syndrome”, and was being seen at an alternative medicine clinic in a neighboring big city.
When told by the Orthopod that she was going to have to have her fracture pinned, she wanted to know what type of metal he was going to use, as she was allergic to many of them. He told her “titanium”. She refused to agree to the procedure until she could rub some titanium against her skin to test for any reaction. As the OR did not have any non-sterile pins/rods, the doc went out to his car, opened the trunk, and brought back his Great Big Bertha titanium driver for her to test herself with…..
Jan 31
Nitrous oxide – “Makes me light-headed”
Novocaine – “Makes me numb”
Novocaine – “When it wore off I had a lot of pain”
Bleach – “When I inhale it, have resp. distress”
Epinephrine – “makes my heart race”
Poison Ivy – “gives me a rash”
Erythromycin – “N/V”
Dextrose– causes SOB
Diprovan– “lose consciousness”
paper tape– causes tachycardia
codeine-”makes me constipated and vomit”
Cortisone – “gives me hives”
Morphine – “makes me sleepy”
Ampicillin — “gives me a yeast infection”
Cortisone/prednisone — “makes me puffy”
“I can only take brand name drugs, I get a rash from any generics”
“Allergic to oxygen”
“Allergic to water”
“allergic to all painkillers except Demerol”
“I’m allergic to demerol, codeine, Morphine and 2mg Dilaudid. But I can take 4mg Dilaudid.”
Allergic to : non-narcotic pain relievers
“I’m allergic to all painkillers except one. I think its called ‘perc-a-something’ but I really don’t remember the exact name”.
“Doc, I’m allergic to 50 milligrams of Demerol but 100 mg doesn’t hurt me at all.”
Jan 31
Sharon was taken to the doctor because she was putting on weight. Her mother, a somewhat overbearing woman, told the doctor all about it, poor Sharon was not allowed to say a word despite being a young woman of 15 years.
After a long monologue from her mother about how it must be her glands, the doctor examined Sharon and was able to make the diagnosis.
“Well,” said the doctor, “I’m afraid that the reason why Sharon is putting on weight is that she is PREGNANT.”
“Nonsense,” said Sharons mother, “you’re wrong, you’ve obviously made a mistake. Such a thing is just not possible. Sharon would never do anything like that, she doesn’t know anything about such things.” Turning to Sharon she boomed at her daughter, “Isn’t that so?” Poor Sharon could only shake her head in abject agreement.
The doctor said nothing. He just washed his hands, walked to the window and stared intently into the evening sky.
“Well, doctor, have you nothing to say? Are you just going to stare out the window? bellowed Sharons mum.
The doctor quietly replied that he was looking for something, because the last time that this had happened a new star had arisen in the East and three wise men on camels had come looking for the fortunate mother and child.
Jan 31
While the Obstetrician is awaiting third stage after a delivery:
Husband: Dr, when can we resume sexual intercourse?
Obstetrician: Well, it is customary to wait until after the placenta is delivered.
Jan 31
A man went to the doctor and complained that he had the most terrible constipation.
The doctor examined him and then gave him a prescription for some tablets to be taken last thing at night.
2 weeks later the patient returned for a check-up and the doctor asked him how his constipation was.
The doctor was rather surprised when the man gloomily answered that the pills worked fine and that he went every morning at 7.30.
“So why the long face?” asked the doctor.
“Because I don’t get up until 8 o’clock ! ! !” replied the patient.
Jan 31
This guy went to the doctor and said to him “Doctor….I don’t know
what’s wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like the word
HONDA”.
“That’s interesting, never heard of anything like that before. Do you
think you could fart for me?” says the doctor. The guy says “Sure.”
And sure enough, the doctor hears “HONDA”.
After several attempts to figure out what’s wrong with this guy, the
doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach
specialists and none of them can figure out why this guys farts say
“HONDA.” It is a completely out of this world medical condition.
Finally, as a last resort, the doctors think they should send the man
to a dentist.
After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist opened up
the guys mouth and examining it.
The dentist says “A-haa!!!!….I have solved the problem.”
The patient says “What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc”…..The
dentist replies “Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth.”
The guy says “Yeah….so….What has that got to do with my farts?”
The dentist replies, “Cant you see??….. Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA”
Jan 31
A man went to the doctor complaining that every time he spoke, he farted.
“You must (FFFaaaart….) help me, Doc. Its extremely (whwhwhiiiiffffle…) embarrassing. The only (Phhheeeeeeooooowwww….) saving grace is that the farts don’t (sssssphphrrrrrroophphphphphph….) smell.”
“Hmm!” said the doctor, “I’ll have to send you to a specialist.”
“Will that be a gastro-enterologist (Faaaaaaart) or a surgeon?” said the patient.
“Neither,” said the doctor. “I’m sending you to an Ear, Nose & Throat Specialist. If you think those farts don’t smell, then you’ve got something wrong with your nose ! !”
Jan 31
Who’s the Boss?
When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.
The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss. The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard at this that the asshole became mad and closed up.
After a few days…
The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, and the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the asshole boss.
This proved that you don’t have to be a brain to be boss…
Just an Asshole.
Jan 31
A Professor of Medicine, a man well known for his earnest and oft-proclaimed Temperance views, was (yet again) lecturing the medical students on the damage that alcohol can do. To demonstrate its effect on the nervous system, he took a worm and dropped it into a glass of gin & tonic. The worm wriggled around for a few minutes before finally giving a few convulsive twitches and dying.
“And can we deduce anything from that?”, asked the Professor with the triumphant air implying that only obvious conclusion could be drawn.
“Yes,” came a voice from the back, “if you’ve got worms, drink alcohol.”
