Medical Jokes and Cartoons

A patient is seeing his psychiatrist for the first time and is undergoing the Rorschach test.

After each ink blot the patient excliams it is a couple copulating.

The psychiatrist stops the test and excliams, “You appear to have a preoccupation with sex.”

And the patient replies, “You’re the one showing the dirty pictures.”

Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they’re deemed cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly.

The doctor said, “Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?”

Jon said, “I’d be half blind.”

“That’s correct. What if I poked out both eyes?”

“I’d be completely blind.”

The doctor stood up, shook Jon’s hand, and told him he was free.

On Jon’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.

So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, “What would happen if I cut off one ear?”

Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, “I’d be half blind.”

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. “What if I cut off the other ear?”

“I’d be completely blind,” Amanpreet answered.

“Amanpreet, can you explain how you’d be *blind*?”

“My hat would fall down over my eyes.”

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is reknowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients.

The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society.” “Wow, that’s wonderful.”

The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, “What are you doing?” “I’m studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out”

Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open.

Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. The reaction of the psychiatrist, “My God what are you doing?” The man replied: “I’m fucking nuts and I’m never getting out of here”

At a mental hospital the staff found some of the patients were gaining weight, so they were put on a diet of a glass of Tab and one apple for lunch.

After eating their light lunch, the group would start to sing to everyone else.

This became known as the “Moron Tab and Apple Choir”.

Patient: “I can’t decide whether to slash my wrists, or blow my brains out.”

Psychiatrist: “You have difficulty making decisions.”

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had
saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a
bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him
into his office.

“Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that
you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved
later killed himself with a rope around the neck.”

“Oh, he didn’t kill himself,” Mr. James replied. “I hung him up
to dry.”

The Psychiatrist was escorting a patient from one Psychiatric Hospital to another. They were travelling by train, and the Psychiatrist was intrigued to see the patient tearing up bits of paper and throwing them out of the window.

“What are you doing that for?” asked the Psychiatrist.

“It’s to keep the elephants away !” answered the patient.

“But there are no elephants in Surrey,” pointed out the Psychiatrist.

“Effective, isn’t it?” was the logical answer.

A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27.

She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is empty.

“Good,” says the man. “That means I must have really escaped.”

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story swears it’s true.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That’s right. I’m an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You’re an FBI agent?

Agent: That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you’re at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you’re all FBI agents?

Agent: That’s right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you’re all FBI agents?

Agent: That’s right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don’t think so.

Click.