A famous psychiatrist told his wife: “I feel down today, I am going to see my colleague.”
Wife: ” But! you are the best psychiatrist, aren’t you?”
Psychiatrist: ” Yes! I know! But my colleague charges less than I do!”
Jan 27
Dr. Jones, a young psychiatrist begins his practice in an office building. After several weeks, he realizes that the older man he usually sees in the elevator each morning and evening is Dr. Smith, also a psychiatrist.
Finally, after a month or two of frequently sharing the elevator, Dr. Jones pulls his skewed tie, rakes his fingers through his disarrayed hair and approaches his colleague: “Dr. Smith,” he says. “Every day I step into this elevator in the evening, exhausted and frazzled by the gut-wrenching stories of my patients, and you appear as calm and cool as you do each morning. Tell me, tell me please how to do it? How do you maintain your equanimity after listening to the woes of your patients.”
“My dear Dr. Jones,” replied the older man. “Who listens?”
Jan 27
How can you tell the psychiatrists from the patients on the psych ward?
The psychiatrists take their meds.
Jan 27
How can you differentiate the patient from the psychiatrist on a Psych ward?
The patient gets better.
Jan 27
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, “Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?”
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a light bulb.” The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2′s face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, “If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?”
Patient #1 replies, “What? And work in the dark?”
Jan 27
“Doc,” said the young man lying down on the couch, “You’ve got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I’m lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes.”
The psychiatrist nodded, “And what do you do?”
“I push them away!”
“I see. And what can I do to help you with this?”
The patient implored, “Please–break my arms!”
Jan 27
Mrs. Berkowitz was bemoaning life in general to her long-suffering husband.
She was extremely worried because their son, Issy, had been to see an eminent Psychiatrist who had diagnosed him as having an Oedipus Complex.
“Oedipus-Schmoedipus ! ! What does it matter,” answered the husband, “As long as he loves his Mother.”
Jan 27
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car.
The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”
Charlie replied, “Driving to Chicago!”
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks,
“Well Charlie, how are you doing?”
Charlie says, “I just got into Chicago”.
“Great,” replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, “Bob, what are you doing?!”
Bob says, “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”
Jan 27
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they’re cured and ready to re-enter society.
“So, Mr. Clark,” the doctor says to one of his patients, “I see by your chart that you’ve been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you’re released?”
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, “Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That’s still a good field, good money there.
But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it’s like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I’ve grown interested in lately.”
Dr. Leroy nods and says, “Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities.” The patient replies, “And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot.”
Jan 27
Here are some ideas to drive men/women crazy Now, this is only a joke, so don’t try this at home!!
MEN:
1. Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house. (Hide them well.)
2. Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.
3. Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring Dings.
4. Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he’s gained a few pounds.
5. Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother’s side.
6. “Accidentally” fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.
7. Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time.
8. Repeatedly lose his cellular phone in restaurants around town.
Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who “needs it more than he does.”
9. Insist upon a lot of “meaningful conversations.”
10. If you live together, have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.
11. Reverse his contact lenses in their case.
12. Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his “sinking” on film.
13. Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.
14. Give the secret stash of dirty magazines that he thinks you don’t know about to his younger brother, who he hates.
WOMEN:
1. Call her by the dog’s name and then deny it.
2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.
3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she’s gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.
5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.
6. Call her by your mother’s name and then deny it.
7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
8. Buy her power tools for Valentine’s Day.
9. Never give her a straight answer.
10. Take up yodeling and practice a lot.
11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)
12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
14. Answer every question with “Yes, dear.” (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)
