Feb 12

There’s a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic.

The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.

“What condition does he have?” the student asks.

“He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder,” the doctor replies. “If he doesn’t obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he’ll pass into a coma.”

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

“What about him?” the student asks. “What’s his story?”

“Oh, it’s the same condition,” the doctor replies. “He just has a better health plan.”

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Feb 12

With the introduction of Viagra in response a perennial male problem,
a famous British pharmaceutical company is now working on a range of
new drugs in an attempt to redress the balance…

MIRRORCILLIN
A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours
without pausing once.

STOPPANAGGIN
Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse or
boyfriend.

COSMOPOLIRA
Raises female intelligence to levels allowing ‘facts’ in trash
lifestyle magazines to be disputed.

LOGICON
Trials have showed that females taking this were able to follow a
proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively
without being diverted into non relevant postulates such as ‘you don’t
love me anymore’.

PARKATRON
72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford
Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15
minutes.

MAGNATACK
Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger
than in reality – no practical use for this drug has yet been found.

WARDROBIA
Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can
safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% actually stayed
within their credit limit.

BEERINTULIN
Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend alcoholic
beverages and snacks during televised sports.

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Feb 12

Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem
with sex. “I think my privates are too small.” He says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. “Well,
Lager,” he replies, quite bemused.

“Aaaahhh. There’s your problem. It shrinks things,
those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness.
That makes things grow.”

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor
with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor
by the hand and thanks him.

“I take it you now drink Guinness?” asked the doc.
“No”, replies the man “but I’ve got the wife on Lager!”

Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem
with sex. “I think my privates are too small.” He says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. “Well,
Lager,” he replies, quite bemused.

“Aaaahhh. There’s your problem. It shrinks things,
those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness.
That makes things grow.”

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor
with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor
by the hand and thanks him.

“I take it you now drink Guinness?” asked the doc.
“No”, replies the man “but I’ve got the wife on Lager!”

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Jan 28

Old Seth had been a farmer his whole life. Up at 5am, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, no matter what the weather, and back to bed at 11pm (if he were lucky). He had led a hard life, supported by his wife, Bess, who had borne his children and run his household. He had now retired and for once had time on his hands. He read the papers avidly, and when he’d finished those he read the womens’ magazines which Bess occasionally bought.

It was after reading “What the Doctor Says” in one of these magazines that he called to Bess.

“Sithee, come ‘ere, lass. ‘Ah’ve found out what’s bin wrong with us all these years.”

“Oh, and what would that be, Seth?”

“Well, this Doctor ‘ere says that when us makes love, you should moan! So, next time we makes love Ah wants yer ter moan, reet?”

So the next time that they are making love, Bess says, “Shall I moan now, Seth?”

“Nay lass, nay. Ah’ll tell thee when to moan.”

At the critical moment Seth says, “Now lass, NOW !”

“WELL, SETH, JUST LOOK AT THE STATE OF THAT CEILING. IF I’VE TOLD YOU ONCE I’VE TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES, THE CRACKS NEED FILLING AND IT NEEDS PAINTING AND YOU’VE NEVER…….!”

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Jan 28

NEW MEDICINE FOR MEN
With Viagra such a great medical success for increasing men’s sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s society.. Here are a few of the new ones:

——————————————————-

DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

VIAGRA-SKI
Wonderful for those who have a hard time getting up on water-skis.
Forty-five minutes after taking it, you’ll get up and stay up, out of
the water.

CHILDAGRA
Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform
more child-care tasks especially cleaning up spills and “little
accidents”.

PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store’s return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA – This complex drug converts men’s noxious intestinal gasesback into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA – This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into “special prosecutors.”

LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

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Jan 28

“You’re in remarkable shape for a man your age,” said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.

“I know it,” said the old gentleman. “I’ve really got only one complaint-my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?”

The doctor’s mouth dropped open. “Your what?!” he gasped.

“My sex drive,” said the old man. “It’s too high, and I’d like to have you lower it if you can.”

“Lower it?!” exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. “Just what do you consider ‘high’?”

“These days it seems like it’s all in my head, Doc,” said the old man, “and I’d like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can.”

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Jan 28

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.

“Please, you have to come right over,” pleaded the distraught young mother. “My child has swallowed a contraceptive.”

The physician dressed quickly; but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.

“You don’t have to come over after all,” the woman said with a sigh of relief. “My husband just found another one.”

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Jan 28

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

The doctor asked, “Do you enjoy it?”
She said that she did.
He asked, “Does it hurt you?”
She said that it didn’t.

The doctor then told her, “Well, then, there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.”

The woman was mystified. She asked “You can get pregnant from anal sex?”

The doctor replied, “Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?”

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Jan 28

A 78 year-old man came into the Doctor’s office and complained of
being tired. The Doctor asked if he’d done anything unusual lately.

The man said, “Well, Wednesday night I picked up a 20 year old
secretary, went back to her place, and nailed her 3 times. Thursday,
I met a 19 year old waitress at the diner and we went out to Lover’s
Rock and made love 4 times. Friday, I went out with an 18 year old
friend of my granddaughter’s and we ended up making it in the back of
my Ford. Saturday I was lured into a motel by 17 year old twins…”

The Doctor said, “That’s absolutely astonishing. But with all the
dangers of sex these days, I hope you took proper precautions…”

“Of course,” the old geezer replied, “I game ’em all phony
names…”

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Jan 28

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. “Any
specific problems you should tell me about?” the doctor asked.

“Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems
to bleed for hours,” she replied. “Do you think I might be a
hemophiliac?”

“Well,” the doctor answered, “hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is
more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a
hemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your
period?” the doctor inquired.

After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, “Oh, about seven or
eight hundred dollars, I guess.”

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