Medical Jokes

Medical Jokes, sorted by areas of medical specialty.

Terrible Constipation

A man went to the doctor and complained that he had the most terrible constipation.

The doctor examined him and then gave him a prescription for some tablets to be taken last thing at night.

2 weeks later the patient returned for a check-up and the doctor asked him how his constipation was.

The doctor was rather surprised when the man gloomily answered that the pills worked fine and that he went every morning at 7.30.

“So why the long face?” asked the doctor.

“Because I don’t get up until 8 o’clock ! ! !” replied the patient.

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Every time I fart, it sounds like the word HONDA

This guy went to the doctor and said to him “Doctor….I don’t know
what’s wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like the word

“That’s interesting, never heard of anything like that before. Do you
think you could fart for me?” says the doctor. The guy says “Sure.”
And sure enough, the doctor hears “HONDA”.

After several attempts to figure out what’s wrong with this guy, the
doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach
specialists and none of them can figure out why this guys farts say
“HONDA.” It is a completely out of this world medical condition.

Finally, as a last resort, the doctors think they should send the man
to a dentist.

After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist opened up
the guys mouth and examining it.

The dentist says “A-haa!!!!….I have solved the problem.”

The patient says “What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc”…..The
dentist replies “Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth.”

The guy says “Yeah….so….What has that got to do with my farts?”

The dentist replies, “Cant you see??….. Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA”

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Every time he spoke, he farted.

A man went to the doctor complaining that every time he spoke, he farted.

“You must (FFFaaaart….) help me, Doc. Its extremely (whwhwhiiiiffffle…) embarrassing. The only (Phhheeeeeeooooowwww….) saving grace is that the farts don’t (sssssphphrrrrrroophphphphphph….) smell.”

“Hmm!” said the doctor, “I’ll have to send you to a specialist.”

“Will that be a gastro-enterologist (Faaaaaaart) or a surgeon?” said the patient.

“Neither,” said the doctor. “I’m sending you to an Ear, Nose & Throat Specialist. If you think those farts don’t smell, then you’ve got something wrong with your nose ! !”

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All the parts of the body argued over who would be boss

Who’s the Boss?

When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss. The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard at this that the asshole became mad and closed up.

After a few days…

The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, and the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the asshole boss.

This proved that you don’t have to be a brain to be boss…

Just an Asshole.

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Lecturing the medical students on the damage that alcohol can do

A Professor of Medicine, a man well known for his earnest and oft-proclaimed Temperance views, was (yet again) lecturing the medical students on the damage that alcohol can do. To demonstrate its effect on the nervous system, he took a worm and dropped it into a glass of gin & tonic. The worm wriggled around for a few minutes before finally giving a few convulsive twitches and dying.

“And can we deduce anything from that?”, asked the Professor with the triumphant air implying that only obvious conclusion could be drawn.

“Yes,” came a voice from the back, “if you’ve got worms, drink alcohol.”

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WASHINGTON, DC-Republicans recently unveiled their ultimate answer to the Democrats’ efforts to reform managed health care. Newt Gingrich announced the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans. Conservatives hailed the proposed legislation because it combines new disability coverage with a comprehensive cost-saving managed health care plan.

“We see it as as a major victory for our most devoted constituents, the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills” said Gringich, “This legislation will be much easier and cheaper to administer than the wasteful programs aimed at people with genuine physical and mental disabilities.”

Roughly 50 percent of Americans-through no fault of their own-do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” continued Gingrich, a longtime ANA supporter. “Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in rebates for unscented diaper wipes, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality.”

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million well-compensated managed health care administrative positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees. The legislation also gives health care corporations incentives to hire nonabled physicians, nurses and social workers. It is hoped that this will provide these professionals with enough of a sense of power to save their self-esteem.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, “What can you bring to this organization?” and “Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?”

“As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them,” said Melinda Smith, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Baltimore wallpaper wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. “This new law should really help people like me.” With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Smith and millions of other untalented, inessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Pennsylvania physician Dr. Henry Q. Bookman also lauded the program. “Since I’m a nonabled physician, all of my patients kept leaving my practice. It gave me such a low self-esteem. The new ANA initiative has placed me in this wonderful managed care job! I don’t have to worry about patients anymore. And this new sense of power . . . I haven’t felt this good in years.”

Said Gingrich,: “It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation.”

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Four interns made a wager

Four medical interns, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and an ob/gyn, were friends. Once, when watching a football game, they made an extravagant wager. The pediatric intern won. Each of the others owed her a thousand dollars.

She laughed and said, “I know none of us has that kind of money now, but I’m sure it will be small change when we’re out in private practice. You don’t have to pay me now, but if I die before you, I expect each of you to throw a thousand dollars in my coffin.”

As it happened, she did indeed precede the other three to her eternal reward. The others greeted each other at the funeral. The psychiatrist and the ob/gyn each had a successful private practice. The surgeon had left clinical care to become the medical director of a managed care company. They remembered their bet long ago. The psychiatrist and the ob/gyn each tossed a thousand dollars cash into the coffin. The managed care physician then removed the cash and put in a check for three thousand dollars.

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Doctors were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf

A pediatrician, a surgeon and a managed care physician were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing how much of their capitated income was actually spent on patient care.

Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to use on their respective patients.

The pediatrician explains: “I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. What ever lands outside the circle, I use for the patients.”

The surgeon then adds: “I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I use for patient care, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs.”

The managed care executive said, “Well, I’m a religious man. When I toss the money in the air, I figure that any money God wants the patients to have, He can take.”

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You see, I seem to be getting forgetful

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to
administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor
did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

“Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient.
“You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I’m never sure I can
remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter,
or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there
— if I get there. So, I really need your help.
What the Hell can I do?”

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest
tone, “Pay me in advance.”

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Senior Citizens are the biggest carriers of AIDS

New study reveals alarming statistic:
Senior Citizens are the biggest carriers of AIDS.

Hearing AIDS
Seeing AIDS
Chewing AIDS
Walking AIDS
Government AIDS

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