Medical Jokes

Medical Jokes, sorted by areas of medical specialty.

My child has swallowed a contraceptive

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.

“Please, you have to come right over,” pleaded the distraught young mother. “My child has swallowed a contraceptive.”

The physician dressed quickly; but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.

“You don’t have to come over after all,” the woman said with a sigh of relief. “My husband just found another one.”

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Getting pregnant from anal sex

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

The doctor asked, “Do you enjoy it?”
She said that she did.
He asked, “Does it hurt you?”
She said that it didn’t.

The doctor then told her, “Well, then, there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.”

The woman was mystified. She asked “You can get pregnant from anal sex?”

The doctor replied, “Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?”

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I hope you took proper precautions

A 78 year-old man came into the Doctor’s office and complained of
being tired. The Doctor asked if he’d done anything unusual lately.

The man said, “Well, Wednesday night I picked up a 20 year old
secretary, went back to her place, and nailed her 3 times. Thursday,
I met a 19 year old waitress at the diner and we went out to Lover’s
Rock and made love 4 times. Friday, I went out with an 18 year old
friend of my granddaughter’s and we ended up making it in the back of
my Ford. Saturday I was lured into a motel by 17 year old twins…”

The Doctor said, “That’s absolutely astonishing. But with all the
dangers of sex these days, I hope you took proper precautions…”

“Of course,” the old geezer replied, “I game ’em all phony
names…”

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Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. “Any
specific problems you should tell me about?” the doctor asked.

“Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems
to bleed for hours,” she replied. “Do you think I might be a
hemophiliac?”

“Well,” the doctor answered, “hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is
more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a
hemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your
period?” the doctor inquired.

After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, “Oh, about seven or
eight hundred dollars, I guess.”

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You appear to have a preoccupation with sex

A patient is seeing his psychiatrist for the first time and is undergoing the Rorschach test.

After each ink blot the patient excliams it is a couple copulating.

The psychiatrist stops the test and excliams, “You appear to have a preoccupation with sex.”

And the patient replies, “You’re the one showing the dirty pictures.”

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What would happen if I cut off one ear?

Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they’re deemed cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly.

The doctor said, “Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?”

Jon said, “I’d be half blind.”

“That’s correct. What if I poked out both eyes?”

“I’d be completely blind.”

The doctor stood up, shook Jon’s hand, and told him he was free.

On Jon’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.

So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, “What would happen if I cut off one ear?”

Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, “I’d be half blind.”

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. “What if I cut off the other ear?”

“I’d be completely blind,” Amanpreet answered.

“Amanpreet, can you explain how you’d be *blind*?”

“My hat would fall down over my eyes.”

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They witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is reknowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients.

The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society.” “Wow, that’s wonderful.”

The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, “What are you doing?” “I’m studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out”

Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open.

Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. The reaction of the psychiatrist, “My God what are you doing?” The man replied: “I’m fucking nuts and I’m never getting out of here”

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Some of the patients were gaining weight

At a mental hospital the staff found some of the patients were gaining weight, so they were put on a diet of a glass of Tab and one apple for lunch.

After eating their light lunch, the group would start to sing to everyone else.

This became known as the “Moron Tab and Apple Choir”.

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Slash my wrists or blow my brains out

Patient: “I can’t decide whether to slash my wrists, or blow my brains out.”

Psychiatrist: “You have difficulty making decisions.”

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One patient saved another from a suicide attempt

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had
saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a
bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him
into his office.

“Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that
you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved
later killed himself with a rope around the neck.”

“Oh, he didn’t kill himself,” Mr. James replied. “I hung him up
to dry.”

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