Geriatrics

Jokes related to geriatrics and care of older individuals.

Official Gomer Rating Scale

Admitting letter from local MD ends with “Sorry.”10 points
Local MD.’s letter begins with “Than you for admitting…”10 points
Has untreated fractured N.O.F. for over 3 weeks prior to presentation7 points
Fractures hip

  • while in hospital
  • while restrained
  • while in traction for fracture to other hip
3 points
6 points
9 points
Spikes temperature night prior to discharge4 points
Decides “doesn’t like” nursing home that Social Worker has taken 6 weeks to locate5 points
Hemoccult positive stool night prior to discharge5 points
Sent back from X-Ray Department without having requested Barium Enema performed8 points
Removes own

  • IV line
  • NG tube
  • sump drain
  • peritoneal catheter
  • chest tube
  • ventriculo-peritoneal shunt
2 points
3 points
5 points
8 points
10 points
15 points
Removes own foley with 30mL balloon full

  • while restrained
5 points
10 points
Any one of the following

  • age < urea
  • hemoglobin < shoe size
  • years in N.H. > years not in N.H.
  • number of hospital presentations > age
5 points
5 points
5 points
5 points
Toenails cannot be cut with nail clippers3 points
Urinates on

  • roommate
  • visitor
  • resident physician
  • consultant
  • medical student
2 points
4 points
5 points
7 points
1 point
Fluid balance chart OUTPUT column reads “voided in bed”

  • on more than 4 occasions
  • while catheterised
4 points
8 points
Stool specimen (unrequested) found 10 feet from bed5 points
Aspirates dentures

  • requires tracheostomy for same
6 points
12 points
Femoral punture required for daily bloods3 points
Problem list 1 page long5 points
Falls out of bed despite bed rails and 4 point restraint4 points
Old notes

  • 2 volumes
  • 2 Kg
  • 2 feet high
3 points
3 points
3 points
Admitted by same Intern to more than 3 different teams6 points
Overlooked on attending rounds on three consecutive days4 points
Requests cigarette during spirometry5 points
Fecal impaction

  • despite ileostomy
  • if ileostomy originally for fecal impaction
  • under fingernails
6 points
12 points
20 points
Answers “yes” to all questions4 points
Answers “yes” to all questions asked to other patients in the room8 points
Found drinking from urine bottle (own) Found drinking from urine bottle (neighbor’s)

  • while on strict fluid balance chart
  • while NPO
3 points
6 points
9 points
12 points
Psychiatry consult suggests transfer but declines same3 points
Admission begins “Found unresponsive…”5 points
Patient breaks thermometer while in:

  • oral
  • rectal
3 points
6 points
Room disinfectant concentration causes conjunctivitis2 points
Refused by VA Hospital despite service in two World Wars8 points
Clings to resident physician.’s arm though grasp reflex is negative5 points
Easier to understand without dentures3 points
Welcomes Medical Students7 points
Daughter rings Social Worker more than 3 times per day6 points
Appreciates hospital food10 points
Requests bedpan immediately on arrival in hospital3 points
Sits in waiting room following discharge5 points
Knows catering staff by name5 points
File includes more than 3 Incident Report forms5 points
Squamous metaplasia of tongue due to prolonged exposure to air (Q sign)8 points
Successfully resuscitated by Paramedics20 points
Relatives

  • request admission
  • demand admission
  • arrive with patient’s suitcase in hospital
3 points
6 points
9 points
M.R.S.A. discovered after admission

  • to ward
  • to theatre
  • to I.C.U.
2 points
3 points
4 points
Anointed by priest prior to presentation6 points
Presenting complaint reads only “Social Admission” and/or management plan reads only “For Placement”5 points
Bounces after turf to Neurosurgery20 points

Notes: All points doubled 0000-0700; 25% loading for non-English speaking patients; 37.5% loading for recognised dysphasias
 


 

Score:

 

0-20:Hardly a Gomer at all. Almost Human.
20-40:Borderline Gomertose. Reassess frequently.
40-60:A true Gomer. Avoid all contact. Placement a priority.
Over 60:Apply for Special Leave immediately, or consider Psychiatry Training.
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You see, I seem to be getting forgetful

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to
administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor
did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

“Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient.
“You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I’m never sure I can
remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter,
or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there
— if I get there. So, I really need your help.
What the Hell can I do?”

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest
tone, “Pay me in advance.”

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Senior Citizens are the biggest carriers of AIDS

New study reveals alarming statistic:
Senior Citizens are the biggest carriers of AIDS.

Hearing AIDS
Seeing AIDS
Chewing AIDS
Band AIDS
RolAIDS
Walking AIDS
MedicAIDS
Government AIDS

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My sex drive is too high

“You’re in remarkable shape for a man your age,” said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.

“I know it,” said the old gentleman. “I’ve really got only one complaint-my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?”

The doctor’s mouth dropped open. “Your what?!” he gasped.

“My sex drive,” said the old man. “It’s too high, and I’d like to have you lower it if you can.”

“Lower it?!” exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. “Just what do you consider ‘high’?”

“These days it seems like it’s all in my head, Doc,” said the old man, “and I’d like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can.”

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I hope you took proper precautions

A 78 year-old man came into the Doctor’s office and complained of
being tired. The Doctor asked if he’d done anything unusual lately.

The man said, “Well, Wednesday night I picked up a 20 year old
secretary, went back to her place, and nailed her 3 times. Thursday,
I met a 19 year old waitress at the diner and we went out to Lover’s
Rock and made love 4 times. Friday, I went out with an 18 year old
friend of my granddaughter’s and we ended up making it in the back of
my Ford. Saturday I was lured into a motel by 17 year old twins…”

The Doctor said, “That’s absolutely astonishing. But with all the
dangers of sex these days, I hope you took proper precautions…”

“Of course,” the old geezer replied, “I game ’em all phony
names…”

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How Old Are You?

Nurse: How old are you?

Patient: None of your business.

Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for
his records.

Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two,
then add ten. Got that?

Nurse: Yes. Fifty.

Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell
me, what do you get?

Nurse: Zero.

Patient: Right. And that’s exactly the chance
of me telling you my age.

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