Jokes related to psychiatry.

How can you tell the psychiatrist from the patients on the ward?

How can you tell the psychiatrist from the patients on the ward?

The psychiatrist has keys to the door.

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Lecturing the medical students on the damage that alcohol can do

A Professor of Medicine, a man well known for his earnest and oft-proclaimed Temperance views, was (yet again) lecturing the medical students on the damage that alcohol can do. To demonstrate its effect on the nervous system, he took a worm and dropped it into a glass of gin & tonic. The worm wriggled around for a few minutes before finally giving a few convulsive twitches and dying.

“And can we deduce anything from that?”, asked the Professor with the triumphant air implying that only obvious conclusion could be drawn.

“Yes,” came a voice from the back, “if you’ve got worms, drink alcohol.”

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You appear to have a preoccupation with sex

A patient is seeing his psychiatrist for the first time and is undergoing the Rorschach test.

After each ink blot the patient excliams it is a couple copulating.

The psychiatrist stops the test and excliams, “You appear to have a preoccupation with sex.”

And the patient replies, “You’re the one showing the dirty pictures.”

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What would happen if I cut off one ear?

Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they’re deemed cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly.

The doctor said, “Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?”

Jon said, “I’d be half blind.”

“That’s correct. What if I poked out both eyes?”

“I’d be completely blind.”

The doctor stood up, shook Jon’s hand, and told him he was free.

On Jon’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.

So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, “What would happen if I cut off one ear?”

Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, “I’d be half blind.”

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. “What if I cut off the other ear?”

“I’d be completely blind,” Amanpreet answered.

“Amanpreet, can you explain how you’d be *blind*?”

“My hat would fall down over my eyes.”

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They witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is reknowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients.

The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society.” “Wow, that’s wonderful.”

The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, “What are you doing?” “I’m studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out”

Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open.

Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. The reaction of the psychiatrist, “My God what are you doing?” The man replied: “I’m fucking nuts and I’m never getting out of here”

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Some of the patients were gaining weight

At a mental hospital the staff found some of the patients were gaining weight, so they were put on a diet of a glass of Tab and one apple for lunch.

After eating their light lunch, the group would start to sing to everyone else.

This became known as the “Moron Tab and Apple Choir”.

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Slash my wrists or blow my brains out

Patient: “I can’t decide whether to slash my wrists, or blow my brains out.”

Psychiatrist: “You have difficulty making decisions.”

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One patient saved another from a suicide attempt

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had
saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a
bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him
into his office.

“Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that
you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved
later killed himself with a rope around the neck.”

“Oh, he didn’t kill himself,” Mr. James replied. “I hung him up
to dry.”

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It’s to keep the elephants away

The Psychiatrist was escorting a patient from one Psychiatric Hospital to another. They were travelling by train, and the Psychiatrist was intrigued to see the patient tearing up bits of paper and throwing them out of the window.

“What are you doing that for?” asked the Psychiatrist.

“It’s to keep the elephants away !” answered the patient.

“But there are no elephants in Surrey,” pointed out the Psychiatrist.

“Effective, isn’t it?” was the logical answer.

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Is anybody in Room 27?

A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27.

She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is empty.

“Good,” says the man. “That means I must have really escaped.”

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