Managed Care

Jokes about managed care and HMOs.

New Health Care Package

Whether you are for or against………………

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new health care package. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter”. The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

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WASHINGTON, DC-Republicans recently unveiled their ultimate answer to the Democrats’ efforts to reform managed health care. Newt Gingrich announced the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans. Conservatives hailed the proposed legislation because it combines new disability coverage with a comprehensive cost-saving managed health care plan.

“We see it as as a major victory for our most devoted constituents, the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills” said Gringich, “This legislation will be much easier and cheaper to administer than the wasteful programs aimed at people with genuine physical and mental disabilities.”

Roughly 50 percent of Americans-through no fault of their own-do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” continued Gingrich, a longtime ANA supporter. “Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in rebates for unscented diaper wipes, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality.”

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million well-compensated managed health care administrative positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees. The legislation also gives health care corporations incentives to hire nonabled physicians, nurses and social workers. It is hoped that this will provide these professionals with enough of a sense of power to save their self-esteem.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, “What can you bring to this organization?” and “Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?”

“As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them,” said Melinda Smith, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Baltimore wallpaper wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. “This new law should really help people like me.” With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Smith and millions of other untalented, inessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Pennsylvania physician Dr. Henry Q. Bookman also lauded the program. “Since I’m a nonabled physician, all of my patients kept leaving my practice. It gave me such a low self-esteem. The new ANA initiative has placed me in this wonderful managed care job! I don’t have to worry about patients anymore. And this new sense of power . . . I haven’t felt this good in years.”

Said Gingrich,: “It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation.”

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Four interns made a wager

Four medical interns, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and an ob/gyn, were friends. Once, when watching a football game, they made an extravagant wager. The pediatric intern won. Each of the others owed her a thousand dollars.

She laughed and said, “I know none of us has that kind of money now, but I’m sure it will be small change when we’re out in private practice. You don’t have to pay me now, but if I die before you, I expect each of you to throw a thousand dollars in my coffin.”

As it happened, she did indeed precede the other three to her eternal reward. The others greeted each other at the funeral. The psychiatrist and the ob/gyn each had a successful private practice. The surgeon had left clinical care to become the medical director of a managed care company. They remembered their bet long ago. The psychiatrist and the ob/gyn each tossed a thousand dollars cash into the coffin. The managed care physician then removed the cash and put in a check for three thousand dollars.

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Doctors were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf

A pediatrician, a surgeon and a managed care physician were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing how much of their capitated income was actually spent on patient care.

Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to use on their respective patients.

The pediatrician explains: “I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. What ever lands outside the circle, I use for the patients.”

The surgeon then adds: “I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I use for patient care, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs.”

The managed care executive said, “Well, I’m a religious man. When I toss the money in the air, I figure that any money God wants the patients to have, He can take.”

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