Medical Jokes

Medical Jokes, sorted by areas of medical specialty.

A cop stopped a guy speeding on a freeway in carpool lane

A cop stopped a guy speeding on a freeway in carpool lane.

He asked him, “Why are you on this lane, when you are driving alone?”

The guy says, “I have multiple personality disorder!!!”

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Two Psychiatrists are having Lunch

2 Psychiatrists are having Lunch

Psy 1: I recently made a Fascinating Freudian Slip.

Psy 2: How Fascinating , I love Freudian Slips they are truly the window into the Subconcious. What happened?

Psy 1: I was having lunch with my mother, and I leaned across the table. What I wanted to say was ” Mother could you please pass the Hot Cross Buns.”

Psy2: And what “slip” came out instead?

Psy1: “Mother you miserable %*)#@^*%$ you really screwed up my life.”

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You've probably been doing too much work for the church

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the
aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger
doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the
people of the community could become accustomed to him.

At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened
intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the
weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had
been feeling.

“I’ve been a little sick to my stomach,” she replied.

“Well,” said the older physician, “you’ve probably been over
doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don’t you cut back on
the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps.”

As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older
doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.

“You didn’t even examine that woman,” the younger doctor stated.

“I didn’t have to,” the elder physician explain. “You noticed I
dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent
over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen
banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been
making her ill.”

“That’s pretty sneaky,” commented the younger doctor. “Do you
mind if I try it at the next house?”

“I don’t suppose it could hurt anything,” the elder physician

At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly
widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and
grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several
minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been
feeling lately.

“I’ve felt terribly run down lately,” the widow replied. “I just
don’t have as much energy as I used to.”

“You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church,” the
younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient.
“Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps.”

As they left, the elder physician said, “Your diagnosis is
probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that

“Sure,” replied the younger doctor. “Just like you, I dropped my
stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I
looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!”

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What doctors say, and what they're really thinking

Here’s a little list of “Doc-isms” — What doctors say, and what they’re really thinking:

“This should be taken care of right away.”

I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

“Welllllll, what have we here…?”

He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.

“Let me check your medical history.”

I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”

I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.

I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.

“We have some good news and some bad news.”

The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.

“Let’s see how it develops.”

Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

“Let me schedule you for some tests.”

I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”

He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”

I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”

I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”

I think I’m going to throw up.

“This may smart a little.”

Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”

I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

“This should fix you up.”

The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

“Everything seems to be normal.”

Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.

“I’d like to run some more tests.”

I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

“Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”

You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me …

“There is a lot of that going around.”

My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.

“If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”

I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week.

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There was only one cure for his problem…a brain transplant

There was only one cure for his problem…a brain transplant. Having decided to have the operation privately he was given the choice of what sort of brain he should receive.

“The brain of a top-notch mathematician will cost you $10,000. That of a world-renowned astro-physicist will set you back $20,000. But if you want the brain of a politician it will cost $40,000 !”

“Why on earth does the brain of a politician cost so much more than those of people who are clearly much cleverer ?” he asked, very much surprised.

“Ah well, you see, the politician’s brain has hardly ever been used.”

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Post card and write 'sauerkraut' on the back

A doctor started having an affair with his nurse, and shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant.

Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there.

“But, how will you know when our baby is born?” she asked.

“Well”, he said, “After you’ve had the baby, just send me a post card and write ‘sauerkraut’ on the back”.

Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany. Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at his office.

“Dear, you received a very strange post card in the mail today”, she explained. “I don’t understand what it means!”

“Just wait till I get home and I’ll read it,” he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard which said:


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Only a Year to Live

A man went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.

So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

“What you should do is go out and buy an old Dodge Pickup.” said the Pastor. “Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma.”

“Will this help me live longer?”

“No,” said the pastor, “but it will make what time you do have seem like forever.”

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Man Furiously Scratching his Elbow

An old G.P. and his nurse were on the train, going to a Medical Conference. Opposite them was a man furiously scratching his elbow.

“I wonder what’s the matter with him?” asked the nurse.

“He’s a patient of mine and, in confidence, I can tell you that he suffers badly from hemorroids,” replied the G.P.

“Well, why he’s scratching his elbow?” asked the puzzled nurse.

“Oh, he’s a politician, and he doesn’t know his ass from his elbow.”

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How Old Are You?

Nurse: How old are you?

Patient: None of your business.

Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for
his records.

Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two,
then add ten. Got that?

Nurse: Yes. Fifty.

Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell
me, what do you get?

Nurse: Zero.

Patient: Right. And that’s exactly the chance
of me telling you my age.

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G.P. and his Attractive Nurse at a Hotel

When the old G.P. and his attractive nurse arrived at the hotel where they had booked in for the duration of the conference, they were somewhat disconcerted to find that instead of the two single rooms they had requested, they had been booked into one twin-bedded room. Worse still, there were no other rooms available, so they had to make do with what had befallen.

That night, the old G.P. flung the windows wide for some fresh (but cold) air and climbed into bed. After a short while, the nurse announced she was cold, and would he please close the windows.

G.P.: “If you’re cold would you like to pretend we’re married?”

Nurse (giggling at the thought of sharing his bed): “Why, doctor, what an idea, but I don’t mind if that’s what you’d like.”

G.P.: “Well then, YOU get up and close the blasted window !”

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