WASHINGTON, DC-Republicans recently unveiled their ultimate answer to the Democrats’ efforts to reform managed health care. Newt Gingrich announced the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans. Conservatives hailed the proposed legislation because it combines new disability coverage with a comprehensive cost-saving managed health care plan.

“We see it as as a major victory for our most devoted constituents, the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills” said Gringich, “This legislation will be much easier and cheaper to administer than the wasteful programs aimed at people with genuine physical and mental disabilities.”

Roughly 50 percent of Americans-through no fault of their own-do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” continued Gingrich, a longtime ANA supporter. “Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in rebates for unscented diaper wipes, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality.”

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million well-compensated managed health care administrative positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees. The legislation also gives health care corporations incentives to hire nonabled physicians, nurses and social workers. It is hoped that this will provide these professionals with enough of a sense of power to save their self-esteem.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, “What can you bring to this organization?” and “Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?”

“As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them,” said Melinda Smith, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Baltimore wallpaper wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. “This new law should really help people like me.” With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Smith and millions of other untalented, inessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Pennsylvania physician Dr. Henry Q. Bookman also lauded the program. “Since I’m a nonabled physician, all of my patients kept leaving my practice. It gave me such a low self-esteem. The new ANA initiative has placed me in this wonderful managed care job! I don’t have to worry about patients anymore. And this new sense of power . . . I haven’t felt this good in years.”

Said Gingrich,: “It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation.”

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