Medical Jokes, sorted by areas of medical specialty.
The Psychiatrist was escorting a patient from one Psychiatric Hospital to another. They were travelling by train, and the Psychiatrist was intrigued to see the patient tearing up bits of paper and throwing them out of the window.
“What are you doing that for?” asked the Psychiatrist.
“It’s to keep the elephants away !” answered the patient.
“But there are no elephants in Surrey,” pointed out the Psychiatrist.
“Effective, isn’t it?” was the logical answer.
A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27.
She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is empty.
“Good,” says the man. “That means I must have really escaped.”
The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story swears it’s true.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That’s right. I’m an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You’re an FBI agent?
Agent: That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you’re at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you’re all FBI agents?
Agent: That’s right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you’re all FBI agents?
Agent: That’s right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don’t think so.
Click.
A famous psychiatrist told his wife: “I feel down today, I am going to see my colleague.”
Wife: ” But! you are the best psychiatrist, aren’t you?”
Psychiatrist: ” Yes! I know! But my colleague charges less than I do!”
Dr. Jones, a young psychiatrist begins his practice in an office building. After several weeks, he realizes that the older man he usually sees in the elevator each morning and evening is Dr. Smith, also a psychiatrist.
Finally, after a month or two of frequently sharing the elevator, Dr. Jones pulls his skewed tie, rakes his fingers through his disarrayed hair and approaches his colleague: “Dr. Smith,” he says. “Every day I step into this elevator in the evening, exhausted and frazzled by the gut-wrenching stories of my patients, and you appear as calm and cool as you do each morning. Tell me, tell me please how to do it? How do you maintain your equanimity after listening to the woes of your patients.”
“My dear Dr. Jones,” replied the older man. “Who listens?”
How can you tell the psychiatrists from the patients on the psych ward?
The psychiatrists take their meds.
How can you differentiate the patient from the psychiatrist on a Psych ward?
The patient gets better.
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, “Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?”
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a light bulb.” The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2’s face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, “If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?”
Patient #1 replies, “What? And work in the dark?”
“Doc,” said the young man lying down on the couch, “You’ve got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I’m lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes.”
The psychiatrist nodded, “And what do you do?”
“I push them away!”
“I see. And what can I do to help you with this?”
The patient implored, “Please–break my arms!”
Mrs. Berkowitz was bemoaning life in general to her long-suffering husband.
She was extremely worried because their son, Issy, had been to see an eminent Psychiatrist who had diagnosed him as having an Oedipus Complex.
“Oedipus-Schmoedipus ! ! What does it matter,” answered the husband, “As long as he loves his Mother.”