Psychiatry

Here are some ideas to drive men/women crazy Now, this is only a joke, so don’t try this at home!!

MEN:

1. Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house. (Hide them well.)

2. Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.

3. Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring Dings.

4. Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he’s gained a few pounds.

5. Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother’s side.

6. “Accidentally” fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.

7. Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time.

8. Repeatedly lose his cellular phone in restaurants around town.
Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who “needs it more than he does.”

9. Insist upon a lot of “meaningful conversations.”

10. If you live together, have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.

11. Reverse his contact lenses in their case.

12. Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his “sinking” on film.

13. Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.

14. Give the secret stash of dirty magazines that he thinks you don’t know about to his younger brother, who he hates.

WOMEN:

1. Call her by the dog’s name and then deny it.

2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.
3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position.

4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she’s gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.

5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.

6. Call her by your mother’s name and then deny it.

7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.

8. Buy her power tools for Valentine’s Day.

9. Never give her a straight answer.

10. Take up yodeling and practice a lot.

11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)

12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.

13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English.

14. Answer every question with “Yes, dear.” (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defense in many states.)

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. “you gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She walked into his office and said, “Doctor, I’m so depressed and lonely. I don’t have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?”

“I’m sure I can,” the psychiatrist replied. “Just go over there and lie face down on that couch.”

A patient is entering his psychiatrist’s office when he sees an old friend. “Hey Harry.” He asks, “Are you coming or going?”

Harry replies: “If I knew if I was coming or going, I would not be here.”

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said, “I don’t hear anything.”

The mental patient said, “Yeah, I know. It’s been like that for months!”

A woman goes into to see the psychiatrist about her low self-esteem. She is unhealthy, pale, and obese. After tearfully explaining her predicament, the doc says, “hmm, yes, could you please lie on the floor under the window?” “Now over next to the door.” “Now under the bookshelves.” “Thank you.”

He then occupies himself with writing. The patient, exasperated, interrupts him and asks if he has anything he can offer her. “No, he says, you need to see your internist about your poor health.” “Then what was all that stuff you had me do, lying on the floor?”

“Oh, I’m having a new white sofa delivered next week and was wondering where to put it.”

A patient shows up in a psychiatrist’s office nude and asks, “Doc do I look crazy to you?”

Doc replies, “I can see ‘your’ nuts.”

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, “Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

A cop stopped a guy speeding on a freeway in carpool lane.

He asked him, “Why are you on this lane, when you are driving alone?”

The guy says, “I have multiple personality disorder!!!”

2 Psychiatrists are having Lunch

Psy 1: I recently made a Fascinating Freudian Slip.

Psy 2: How Fascinating , I love Freudian Slips they are truly the window into the Subconcious. What happened?

Psy 1: I was having lunch with my mother, and I leaned across the table. What I wanted to say was ” Mother could you please pass the Hot Cross Buns.”

Psy2: And what “slip” came out instead?

Psy1: “Mother you miserable %*)#@^*%$ you really screwed up my life.”