Excerpts from Various American Medical Journals

The following are excerpts from various American medical journals
…..prepare yourself, they are pretty amazing (But all are True)
You have been warned!!!!

A 63-year-old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil,
suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying
a 20-inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade
earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never
expelled from her body.

500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in the hospital.
During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her
armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote
control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.

A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in
bloodied restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist,
and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually
explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a
romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the
table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she
had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man’s
member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and
desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head
until she let go.

a Californian doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains
asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn’t.
A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she
said that she was not sexually active, the woman replied “I’m
not, I just lie there.” When asked if she knew who the father
was, with a puzzled look she replied, “No. Who?

A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe
pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that
they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A
nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success.
Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did
not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip
out the membrane of his cornea.

An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines
growing from her vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato
trapped in her womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that she
had inserted it two weeks previously, because she thought that
her uterus was falling out.

In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his
penis. He complained that his wife had “a rat in her vagina” and
it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was
revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a
recent hysterectomy.

A Cambridge man hobbled into the ER complaining of a permanent
erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba,
he frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some
erectile cream to keep him hard. He was told to use it sparingly.
However, since he was having so much fun, he kept using more and
more. By the time he came to the ER, all the blood vessel in his
penis were swollen and his testicles had ballooned in size.
Doctors could do nothing except prescribe pain killers, and told
him that it would return to flaccidity in a few days. They also
told him to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was
going to be his last.

A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a
hemorrhoid problem. One painful pile would often hang down from
the man’s anus and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with
an artillery shell. On this occasion, the shell got stuck.
Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell
was still live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal
squad, who built a lead box around the man’s anus to defuse the
shell so it could be removed.

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Complaining to the Doctor of a persistent headache

The middle-aged spinster, well known for all her charity work and support for good causes (because she was a somewhat tedious self-publicist), was complaining to the Doctor of a persistent headache.

“What’s it like?” asked the Doctor.

“Like a tight band around my head,” replied the spinster.

Mindful that this type of headache is most often due to an unhealthy or stressed lifestyle, the Doctor asked if she smoked a lot.

“Certainly not, Doctor. Never have smoked, never will,” was the emphatic reply.

“Do you drink a lot of alcohol?”
“Doctor! I am strictly teetotal.”

“How often do you have sex?”
“That is an impertinent question, I am as chaste as the driven snow.”

“Perhaps you’re spending too much time going to church?”
“Impossible, Doctor. As I keep telling the Mothers Union, I go twice every Sunday and every Festival Day because it is our clear duty to do so.”

“Are you working too hard at your charity activities?”
“Well,” simpered the spinster, “I always believe that you can never do too much for your fellow man, even to the detriment of your own health.”

“Just as I thought,” said the Doctor, “It is clear that the headaches are due to your halo being too tight.”

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Doctor who spoke limited Spanish

A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling “Puta! Puta! Puta!”.

At this, the grandmother started to cry and the babies father had to be restrained. What the doctor should have been saying was “Puja!” (Push!).

Instead, he was saying “Whore! Whore! Whore!”.

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A Pipe Burst in a Doctor’s House

A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did some mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed “This is ridiculous, I don’t even make this much money!”

The plumber replied, “neither did I when I was a doctor”.

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A Large Brass Rat

A physician walked into an antique store, and began to look around. Suddenly, he spied a large BRASS RAT in the corner. He fell in love with it, and so he brought it up to the cashier.

“The rat, eh?” said the wizened old cashier

“That’s right, how much,” replied the doctor.

“Well, five dollars for the rat–but 200 dollars for the story,” he answered with a grin.

“I’ll just take the rat, without the story,” laughed the physician.

He left the store, his precious brass rat tucked under his arm.

Soon he began to hear a scurrying and squeaking noise behind him. When he looked back, he noticed that a few rats were following him. After he had walked a few more blocks, the number of rats behind him increased. This continued, until there were virtually millions of rats behind him.

The physician panicked, ran to a pier overlooking the sea, and threw the rat in. All of the rats plunged in after it, and met their watery deaths.

The physician ran back to the antique store. The old cashier was chuckling to himself. “So now do you want the story?”
“No,” said the doctor, “but have you got any brass lawyers?

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A Doctor and a Lawyer were Talking at a Party

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

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Doctors' Contributions

Doctors were told to contribute to the construction
of a new wing at the hospital. What did they do?

The allergists voted to scratch it.

The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.

The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling
about it.

The neurologists thought the administration
had a lot of nerve.

The obstetricians stated they were laboring
under a misconception.

The ophthalmologists considered the idea

The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.

The pathologists yelled, “over my dead body!”

The pediatricians said, “grow up.”

The proctologists said, “we are in arrears.”

The psychiatrists thought it was madness.

The surgeons decided to wash their hands
of the whole thing.

The radiologists could see right through it.

The internists thought it was a hard pill to

The plastic surgeons said, “this puts a whole
new face on the matter.”

The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.

The urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.

The cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

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Do You Have a Hammer?

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One
afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house.
Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came
out of the bedroom a minute after he’d gone in
and asked Mr. Tuttle, “Do you have a hammer?”

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and
returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked
him and went back into the bedroom. A moment
later, he came out and asked, “Do you have a
chisel?” Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for
and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver and
a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He
asked, “What are you doing to my wife?”

“Not a thing,” replied old doc Carver. “I can’t get
my instrument bag open.”

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A Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients

DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. Involvement with the patient’s suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.

NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.

SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY. Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.

PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR’S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

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