Medical Jokes Archives - Page 2 of 9 - Medical Jokes and Cartoons

Surgeon died and went to heaven

The famous surgeon died and worked his way Heavenwards, arriving ultimately at the Pearly Gates. Just like the VA clinics there was a long line. He was not having any of this and strode to the head of the queue and berated St. Peter who was overseeing the admissions procedure.

“I can’t hang around here in a line like this,” explained the surgeon. “Don’t you know who I am?”

“No, who are you?” asked St. Peter.

“I’m Dr. Simon Rothschild III, President of the American College of Surgeons, Surgeon on-call for the United States President, Chairman of …”

“O.K., O.K., O.K.,” said St. Peter, “I get the idea. However, it makes no difference here. Everyone is equal and you must go to the back of the line.”

At that moment a harassed little man in a crumpled suit rushed up in an obvious hurry. He carried a little doctor’s bag, a stethoscope was hanging round his neck and an VA prescription pad was poking out of his pocket. He quietly said something in St. Peter’s ear, and without further ado St. P. opened the Pearly Gates and the crumpled little man went through.

This was too much for our eminent surgeon.

“And what was all that about everyone being equal ! ! You send an eminent doctor like me to the back of the line, but you let an insignificant common-place G.P. like that through without so much as a hesitation.”

“Sorry,” said St. P., “but that wasn’t a G.P., that was God. Sometimes he likes to play at being a doctor”

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They cut off the wrong leg

Surgery

When he awoke after his operation, the man was appalled to be told that by mistake the surgeon had cut the wrong leg off. Realising the mistake they had, of course, to amputate the bad leg as well. They were all very sorry !

Not surprisingly, he was not happy with this and when he had been discharged from hospital he went to see his lawyer.

“No problem, we’ll sue them for everything they’ve got,” he was told, “You have a cast-iron case.” As this was going to be such a big case, they decided to seek the help of a famous New York expert lawyer who specialised in medico-legal problems, and the patient was to return to his lawyer when the expert’s advice had been received.

Several weeks later he was called back to his lawyer who met him with a rather gloomy face.

“I’m sorry,” he was told, “but the expert advises you not to proceed with the case as you have very little chance of winning it.”

“WHAT !” exploded the patient. “It’s an open and shut case. They cut off the wrong leg.”

“Ah, but don’t you see. You can’t win the case as you haven’t got a leg to stand on.”

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Seminal Buildup Disorder

Sexual Functioning

There’s a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic.

The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.

“What condition does he have?” the student asks.

“He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder,” the doctor replies. “If he doesn’t obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he’ll pass into a coma.”

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

“What about him?” the student asks. “What’s his story?”

“Oh, it’s the same condition,” the doctor replies. “He just has a better health plan.”

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Viagra-like drugs for Women

Sexual Functioning

With the introduction of Viagra in response a perennial male problem,
a famous British pharmaceutical company is now working on a range of
new drugs in an attempt to redress the balance…

MIRRORCILLIN
A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours
without pausing once.

STOPPANAGGIN
Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse or
boyfriend.

COSMOPOLIRA
Raises female intelligence to levels allowing ‘facts’ in trash
lifestyle magazines to be disputed.

LOGICON
Trials have showed that females taking this were able to follow a
proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively
without being diverted into non relevant postulates such as ‘you don’t
love me anymore’.

PARKATRON
72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford
Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15
minutes.

MAGNATACK
Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger
than in reality – no practical use for this drug has yet been found.

WARDROBIA
Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can
safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% actually stayed
within their credit limit.

BEERINTULIN
Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend alcoholic
beverages and snacks during televised sports.

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I think my privates are too small

Sexual Functioning

Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem
with sex. “I think my privates are too small.” He says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. “Well,
Lager,” he replies, quite bemused.

“Aaaahhh. There’s your problem. It shrinks things,
those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness.
That makes things grow.”

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor
with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor
by the hand and thanks him.

“I take it you now drink Guinness?” asked the doc.
“No”, replies the man “but I’ve got the wife on Lager!”

Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem
with sex. “I think my privates are too small.” He says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. “Well,
Lager,” he replies, quite bemused.

“Aaaahhh. There’s your problem. It shrinks things,
those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness.
That makes things grow.”

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor
with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor
by the hand and thanks him.

“I take it you now drink Guinness?” asked the doc.
“No”, replies the man “but I’ve got the wife on Lager!”

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Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients

Veterinary

As she lay there dozing next to him, a voice inside his head kept saying, “Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients.”

But another voice kept reminding him, “Howard, you are a veterinarian.”

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Multiple Allergies

Allergy, Doctor Golf

Saw a patient from “another town” that had a car wreck and was brought to our ED with a tib/fib fracture. She had been labeled as having “multiple allergy syndrome”, and was being seen at an alternative medicine clinic in a neighboring big city.

When told by the Orthopod that she was going to have to have her fracture pinned, she wanted to know what type of metal he was going to use, as she was allergic to many of them. He told her “titanium”. She refused to agree to the procedure until she could rub some titanium against her skin to test for any reaction. As the OR did not have any non-sterile pins/rods, the doc went out to his car, opened the trunk, and brought back his Great Big Bertha titanium driver for her to test herself with…..

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Best Reported Allergies

Allergy

Nitrous oxide – “Makes me light-headed”
Novocaine – “Makes me numb”
Novocaine – “When it wore off I had a lot of pain”
Bleach – “When I inhale it, have resp. distress”
Epinephrine – “makes my heart race”
Poison Ivy – “gives me a rash”
Erythromycin – “N/V”

Dextrose– causes SOB
Diprovan– “lose consciousness”
paper tape– causes tachycardia
codeine-“makes me constipated and vomit”

Cortisone – “gives me hives”
Morphine – “makes me sleepy”

Ampicillin — “gives me a yeast infection”
Cortisone/prednisone — “makes me puffy”

“I can only take brand name drugs, I get a rash from any generics”

“Allergic to oxygen”
“Allergic to water”

“allergic to all painkillers except Demerol”
“I’m allergic to demerol, codeine, Morphine and 2mg Dilaudid. But I can take 4mg Dilaudid.”
Allergic to : non-narcotic pain relievers
“I’m allergic to all painkillers except one. I think its called ‘perc-a-something’ but I really don’t remember the exact name”.
“Doc, I’m allergic to 50 milligrams of Demerol but 100 mg doesn’t hurt me at all.”

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Putting on weight due to pregnancy

Ob-Gyn

Sharon was taken to the doctor because she was putting on weight. Her mother, a somewhat overbearing woman, told the doctor all about it, poor Sharon was not allowed to say a word despite being a young woman of 15 years.

After a long monologue from her mother about how it must be her glands, the doctor examined Sharon and was able to make the diagnosis.

“Well,” said the doctor, “I’m afraid that the reason why Sharon is putting on weight is that she is PREGNANT.”

“Nonsense,” said Sharons mother, “you’re wrong, you’ve obviously made a mistake. Such a thing is just not possible. Sharon would never do anything like that, she doesn’t know anything about such things.” Turning to Sharon she boomed at her daughter, “Isn’t that so?” Poor Sharon could only shake her head in abject agreement.

The doctor said nothing. He just washed his hands, walked to the window and stared intently into the evening sky.

“Well, doctor, have you nothing to say? Are you just going to stare out the window? bellowed Sharons mum.

The doctor quietly replied that he was looking for something, because the last time that this had happened a new star had arisen in the East and three wise men on camels had come looking for the fortunate mother and child.

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Doctor, when can we resume sexual intercourse?

Ob-Gyn

While the Obstetrician is awaiting third stage after a delivery:

Husband: Dr, when can we resume sexual intercourse?

Obstetrician: Well, it is customary to wait until after the placenta is delivered.

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